Nerve Dating Confessions

Something you said stuck in my mind, and every time I thought about you fondly, every time I wondered how you were, every time I felt like I should reach out, every familiar reflex or inclination I had to was met by those words drifted back. The feeling of Love was progressively snuffed out by the rage and disappointment that I felt. Saying something to you seemed meaningless and empty in the face of that statement, and having any kind of feelings of love towards you left me feeling naked and vulnerable, and I simply assumed that you would say something else which would stab me deeply and leave splinters of agony in my mind.... so I stayed away. Its not that I forgot about you, but rather I couldn't forget the thing that became the reason to stay away. It became indelably associated with you, any place I went to remind me of our time together would get trampled by that thought, and any time I groped towards hope, desperately, wishfully imagining you reaching out to me to wipe it away: the thought returned, proving to me that you would never call, you would never heal my wound. Mocking me and denying me, and hurting me all over again. "So weak - hurt so deeply and yet still grasping for hope, for 'love'?" it asks. Its become all the moments you ever hurt me, all the steely cold looks you ever gave me, and grown monstrously out of proportion - until at last I abandoned every part of my self where those things could be found. I sunk my heart to the bottom of my soul in a cement box, and became a firm advocate, a follower of the one true religion of the damned; 'there is no love, there is only hate, and only by embracing hate will I ever feel safe again'. If ever those words passed my lips that I loved you, it was only because an entirely different person was mouthing those words. He sat down quietly one evening and put a barrel between those lips, and now that person is dead.