Nerve Dating Confessions

How long has it been?

It's been a few months in sheer agony and a few weeks with no contact.

Its not about time, but rather its about reprocessing your thoughts and feelings. Slowly, but surely, you stop talking to yourself saying: "I've lost the love of my life, I'll never be able to go on, I'm in sheer agony". Slowly but surely you realize that the proof is in the pudding - they left. They left because they didn't really love you, didn't really care. They hurt you, they were selfish, they didn't care about the relationship, they fucked you over, used you, abused you... slowly but surely you reprocess your feelings, stop looking to the past with fondness but see the dirty side you ignored previously. You begin to see how a long series of events led up to the breakup, and that a big part of that was the other person. This kind of thinking allows you to tear down the idealized notion of this person that you built up in your mind, and having done that you can be free to hate them, be angry at them, and resolve that you don't want to speak to them because you don't want to give them the power to hurt you again... which they will do. You'll never be able to access that persons affection or love or caring anymore, because they don't want to love or care about you anymore. This person has put up walls and you're outside the walls, and if you try to scale them, try to access their feelings for you - they'll just stab you in the face! And if you think about it you will recall all the other times that this person was hurt, blamed you, and lashed out. They were never committed to communicating, understanding, or working together. Indeed; in all the ways that mattered they were never really there for you at all, but there for themselves... and realizing that will make it easier. Time will make it easier because it is further proof that they don't care to leave things in the way they are now, but it isn't about time, its about you changing the way you think about them.

Been there. The real bitch of it is that time actually does heal. I dealt with it by distracting myself in the mean time. Some rebound dating, a hobby, doesnt really matter what specifically. There's a certain amount of fake it til you make it with the rebound dating, but the ego boost is nice. I spent a month and went on a few dates a week. Nothing serious. Then i picked up a couple hobbies I'd let drop when i went back to grad school. It was enough to keep me busy while I dealt with it all. antidepressants also helped. I'm sorry you hurt, hope it gets better.

Ultimately time was what did it, but before enough of it passed and its benefits started showing I did a lot. And it really took a lot of time sorry to say. I was severely depressed simultaneously as well as experiencing major heart break. I lived second to second, it was the only way. I was in the moment and whatever I felt would keep me afloat (as that was all I could hope for) I did. This might have been go on the net and read my exact experience through others, but hearing their will to live on regardless. Just giving myself permission to feel what I did, let it run its course so that it wouldn't ultimately stay with me on the long term. That was really important. Every time I felt it, I let it and reiterated to myself that this was an investment in my future. That allowing this pain to run its course, I was ensuring that equivalent happiness would then be possible some day. That reassured me in a way, but I can't lie, it nearly killed me. After some time I started dating (they had an awareness of where I was at, I was honest, but for each one of their own reasons we were together, including being in the same boat), it wasn't the same, but it helped me pass the time and slowly reconnect with life. I forced myself to make new friends and get out there more. Though I would often sit in the bathroom and cry as I missed my ex, made more potent with alcohol. But I forced myself to keep moving, being honest with myself and not blowing it up into something it wasn't, faking it until I made it (which payed off eventually), and taking the next step when it kind of felt right. I was realistic about how long it might take, and it took even longer than that. Until one day I realised I was okay, or really getting there. It was very very hard, but worth it. Also the eventual investment in my life was worth it, as it was there set up when I was truly ready to reengage with life, enjoy it, be happy and be together with someone again properly. I did it, and I know you can too :-)

you know i work as an operating room nurse and let me tell you, hearts can be fixed and replaced. And if this is physically true, then emotionally it should be true as well. You will be okay. your physical heart is fine, and its your emotional heart that you have to fix with your wisdom, creativity and mind. You basically just have to decide that you are healed, since its mostly in your head anyway. On a subconcious level you actually choose to feel heartbroken. you allow the pain. you need to cut it off mentally. focus on the good in life and in you. Repair yourself. emotions are just transient little germs.

Everybody has such great advice so far, so here is my 2 cents, hope it is worth it. After about a month of riding an emotional roller coaster I made a choice that I was going to be happy. That really takes a conscious effort. I made a list of things that made me happy. Saved about 10 pictures of things on my phone that made me happy (vacation spots, my dog, etc.). Every time I found myself feeling down, angry, or whatever, I recognized my feelings for a moment, accepted them, then consciously shifted my focus to those happy things, looked at those pictures on my phone, and focused on being happy. At first I really had to keep shifting my thoughts a lot. But slowly it became easier and easier. I also went to therapy, which helped a ton. I had a friend that I just poured everything out too. I had friends that I really didn't talk to about my divorce, but they just new that I needed to be occupied and constantly invited me to do things. So lean on your support system. Keep yourself busy. The last step is dating, which I am not very successful at right Now, turns out I suck at the fake it till you make it. But if I start to have a little success at that, I will be 100% back. Really, kat is right. It is a choice, albeit subconscious, to feel this way. Choose happiness, and make an effort to be happy. It will all come together for you. Last note, I also memorized this affirmation, and every time I got down I repeated it to myself: "I am at peace with my past. I choose to release the past now. I move forward by letting go of the past. I chose to forgive myself and others. I am grateful and happy to experience new joys in my life.". So sorry for the pain you are going through. Try to remain positive. Keep your head up. There is a line in a song that says "you can walk straight through hell with a smile." And you most certainly can. Be strong. Take care of yourself. Good luck to you.

Thanks everyone. Great stuff.

My standard reply to this issue: Go the the health food store, and buy some Star of Bethlehem Bach Flower remedy. Also get an empty 2 oz. "treatment bottle" to dilute it with. Read and follow directions, and you'll feel better. It's good for grief, sudden shocks, etc. It works. That will help you follow the other advice above.

yah yah, time heals but You need to do something to feel better right now. Get outside and walk everyday for a really long time. there is nothing worse than sitting in the house thinking about it. It just adds to the depression. Even if you don't feel like it get outside. It helps remind you that there is a whole entire universe out there and this person, a very very small part of it. I went through it as well and I never didn't feel much better after one of my marathon walks. good luck to you.